Henry mistakenly gets on a bus full of veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride. He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really bothers Henry so he asks him, “What’s wrong with you?”

The reply is, “I got this in the war.”

Henry finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him. So Henry asks him, “What is wrong with you?”

Again the answer is, “I got this in the war.”

Henry moves. The next guy poor Henry sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand.

Henry says, “Let me guess, you got that in the war?”

His reply was, “No, I got it out of my nose. I can’t get it off of my hand.”

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes
about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really?

What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much… But he would be 165 years old.”

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.”

Then he rolled it between his fingers adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the lawyer asked, “What do you have there mister?”

The drunk stammered, “Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The lawyer said, “Let me take a look.”

And the drunk handed it over.

The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”