Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn`t take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.

`What`s that?` she demanded. `If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma,` said one of the interns, `just press that button.`

`What does it do, ring a bell?` she asked. No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty,` the intern replied.

`A light in the hall?` responded Grandma. `Look, I`m the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself.`

A little old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” said the young man, “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”

“Go away!” said the old lady, “I haven’t got any money to spend on things like that!” and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said.

“At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder, cross my heart.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. I hope you’ve got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

She told them in certain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result — the door bounced back open.

Convinced, these rude people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said:

“Ma’am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat.”