The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving,

but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. “Are you sure this is your house?” the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. “Shertainly!” said the drunk, “and if you’ll just open the door f’me, I can prove it to ya.”

Entering the living room, he said, “You shee that piano?

Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too.

Now follow me.”

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. “Thish ish my bedroom,” he announced.

“Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed?

Thash my wife. An’ see that guy lying next to her?”

“Yeah?” the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man’s story.

“Well, thash me!”

====================================
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms v.i.olently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets.

He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked: “What the hell is going on?”

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”