A man is in bed when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realise the man was intoxicated. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger.

“Can you give me a push??”

“No, get lost! It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and he slams the door.

He goes back up and tells his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy wasn’t even in his senses,”says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be a good thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.” So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the man replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, “Trick or treat?”
I looked at him and asked, “What have you come as?”

He said, “A werewolf.”

I said, “But you’re not wearing a costume.

You’ve just got your normal clothes on.”

He said, “Yeah well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out. “Jesus is gonna get you.”

The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.

Again, the parrot cries out. “Jesus is gonna get you.”

The robber started to get a little worried. “What’s your name, birdie?”

“Moses.”

“What dumbass named you Moses?”

“The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus.”