Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s arse and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I’m now banned from that supermarket.

A man calls home from the office and excitedly tells his wife,
“Something big just came up! I have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to go on a week-long fishing trip. We leave immediately!

Pack my clothes, my fishing gear, and especially my blue silk pajamas.

I’ll be home in an hour to grab everything.”

He rushes home, grabs his bags, and heads out. A week later, he returns, looking happy and relaxed.

His wife greets him with a smile. “Did you have a great trip, dear?” she asks.

“Absolutely!” he says.

“But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

His wife grins and replies, “Oh, I packed them alright… check your tackle box!”