A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the headwaiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile. “Good Morning Sir”, the Headwaiter says. “What a wonderful morning I’d like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked it’s tough and hard to eat.

Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”

“That’s a complicated order Sir,” said the bewildered waiter, “It might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied, “Oh? I don t understand what is the problem in that, that’s what I got yesterday!”

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.

It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough. She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect. As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands “Stop that!”

The waiter looks at her dryly and says

“Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?”

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”