Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St. Peter’s gate, there is another man in front of him in the queue waiting to go into heaven.

St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?”. The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city taxi driver for 14 years”

“Very well,” says St.

Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.”

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?”

He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.”

“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.”

“Wait a minute,” says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?”

“Well,” St.

Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale. While you preached, everyone slept, but when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!”

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked: “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

The lady replied “Of course I do.

It is the Bible.”

He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said “Well I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then YOU can ask him.” replied the lady. A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God,
“How long is a billion years to you?”

God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”

The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”

God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”

So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”

And God replies, “In a sec.”